I experience emotions at an extremely fast pace and high volume. I've been told feelings are unreliable, which is true to a point. I shouldn't make major life decisions or form opinions without looking at the facts. It's something that I've always tried to control, but as my family can attest to, I'm terrible at it. I've prayed for a "gentle spirit," which to me means void of emotion. I've been told I'm, "such a woman," for feeling hurt, angry, sad, or frustrated (also, why is being a woman an insult? That's another blog for another time). I've been told that I'm emotionally immature and should act my age (because apparently to be an adult is to be unattached from all emotion). I’ve also had people say that they, “feel bad for my future husband,” because he has to deal with me being dramatic (I'm not even sure if such a human exists! Why are you giving pity to someone who may or may not even be real?).
In addition to being hyper-emotional, I am also an external processor. This results in every thought that comes through my mind immediately showing up on my face and almost always shooting out of my mouth. I can sometimes keep my guard up when in public --- at least enough that those who don't know me very well can't tell that I'm a nutcase.
"Candi keep your cool."
"It's not THAT exciting."
"That's not worth crying over."
"Don't get angry."
These are the thoughts that are constantly running through
my head. It makes social situations exhausting (except for things where it’s
totally cool to be off the wall excited. For instance, I'm a riot at weddings
dances). Bottling up all of these extreme emotions that I experience is almost
painful. If I don't express them, I sometimes honestly feel like there is a hot
coal slowly burning a hole in my chest. My muscles tense up, and my brain has a
hard time processing daily tasks or forming sentences.
Music is the main opportunity I have where I can externally express my emotions --- specifically playing guitar. These things that I have felt shame for are focused, not held back, and become something beautiful. The process of practicing until it's perfect allows me time to truly dig down into the pit of my emotions. I connect with God and with myself on a whole other level when I'm playing and singing. It becomes a blessing and privilege for my friends and family, rather than a burden. King David used music as a means to process life when writing the Psalms in the Bible, and I can almost guarantee that there were some pretty sweet lyre riffs for Psalm 13. ;)
Recently, I have been having some hand and wrist pain in my fret hand (probably just tendonitis). When I first started feeling the pain, there was a sinking feeling in my gut. Some people say I should have stopped playing then, at least until I healed. I thought about it, but when choosing between feeling the physical pain and having to deal with that burning coal of emotions in my chest, I chose (and continue to choose) the physical. Carrying things, typing, turning a door knob, and applying any pressure to my guitar strings at all result in pain --- not to mention the constant aching even while resting. I don't tell you this to get your sympathy or diagnosis, but rather to demonstrate the amount of physical pain I would be willing to endure before I would give up playing guitar and being able to channel my emotions in this way.
Music is the main opportunity I have where I can externally express my emotions --- specifically playing guitar. These things that I have felt shame for are focused, not held back, and become something beautiful. The process of practicing until it's perfect allows me time to truly dig down into the pit of my emotions. I connect with God and with myself on a whole other level when I'm playing and singing. It becomes a blessing and privilege for my friends and family, rather than a burden. King David used music as a means to process life when writing the Psalms in the Bible, and I can almost guarantee that there were some pretty sweet lyre riffs for Psalm 13. ;)
Recently, I have been having some hand and wrist pain in my fret hand (probably just tendonitis). When I first started feeling the pain, there was a sinking feeling in my gut. Some people say I should have stopped playing then, at least until I healed. I thought about it, but when choosing between feeling the physical pain and having to deal with that burning coal of emotions in my chest, I chose (and continue to choose) the physical. Carrying things, typing, turning a door knob, and applying any pressure to my guitar strings at all result in pain --- not to mention the constant aching even while resting. I don't tell you this to get your sympathy or diagnosis, but rather to demonstrate the amount of physical pain I would be willing to endure before I would give up playing guitar and being able to channel my emotions in this way.
As frustrating as it can be at times (and it definitely makes some things more difficult), on some level, I love that God made me as someone who is
expressive. I know that we have emotions because we were made in the likeness
of an emotional God --- I just was blessed with a larger serving than most. I truly
enjoy experiencing excitement and happiness at an extreme level. If you want an
awesome reaction to a story or surprise, big belly laughs at your (probably
lame) jokes, a loud scream and possibly wetting of the pants when you jump out
from behind a door, tears of joy at your wedding, anger towards an injustice,
or passion about a cause, I'm your girl! For possibly the first time in my
life, I think I can honestly say that wouldn’t change, even if I could.
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